Z - endZ

Z - endZ

Hello,

First off, that is such a cop-out, and I am so sorry. 

But, like, the only thing I could think of starting with Z, other than Zebra, was Zzzzz. As in sleeping. 

And if you know anything about me, you'll know that sleep is not my forte.

So, I'll end this little series at the endZ. As a cop-out, as a LOL, and as a step forwards.

You see, I started this little blog YEARS ago. It was a project, to myself. From a councillor. Or perhaps from myself. I can't even remember at this stage. I remember having a discussion with K, about writing being helpful. I guess I didn't really realise the truth of this statement until the last year. Anyway, I said I didn't want to write about my feelings because it was self indulgent and depressing and scary. So he/I suggested I just wrote about anything instead.

And hence analphabetofthoughts was born. It was an easy way to find a writing prompt (back in the days where I had been so used to writing fiction, and was only just emerging into acceptance of my love for non-fiction/ personal diary-eque. I wouldn't have to struggle to think of a prompt, because I'd just think of something that started with a defined letter. It made life a lot easier for someone like me, who was completely indecisive and stressed at all times.

And I had a lot of thoughts. I mean, I HAVE a lot of thoughts. And so the title felt fitting. Because not only was it going to be in alphabetical order, but it was going to cover a whole broad range, just like the alphabet does.

But it was never really that consistent. 

Sometimes it was superrrr helpful, like my list of happies and self care ideas. That was constructive. I think I needed to read that more than any of your ever will. I needed to process and articulate my likes and dislikes and my support system. 

Sometimes it was super eye opening, like Opportunity for Optimism. I'm not going to lie, that low-key changed my life.

 

And at other times, I didn't really note the significance until later on. Like, R for Right Now. I was chatting with a friend last week and referred to that. After all these months. 

But you see, I was reaching the end. And I'm scared of commitment, and change, and new starts, and so I didn't want to. 

And so I didn't.

I abandoned this little ol' slice of the internet (totally stole Louise Pentland's imagery there) and settled for other means of self support. Because I didn't want to read the end. 

Or the endZ as all the cool kidz would say, adding a Z to the end of everything. 

(Why was that a thing?! And why do we all just accept stuff, and not challenge it? Why do we all follow the crowd?).

Anyway, so I thought it was over, and this chapter was done. 

Except, it wasn't, because then another little slice was made, the post for Y - You. About my faith. 

I was in an exceptionally bad headspace that evening, and wrote it too late to be considered night, but too early to be considered morning (I'm talking somewhere between 03:30 and 6:00). 

And that was the thing that I didn't know I needed.

All those weeks and days and hours of questioning my faith, of being unable to explain it, of not WANTING to explain it, of not wanting to COMMIT to how I was feeling (because ohmydays then it was real and no no NO THANK YOU I was not losing my faith), it all just came pouring out. And, in a rather eloquent way if I do say so myself!

You see, I lost my faith for a while. My religion. My love and trust in Jesus. The thing that had defined me most was gone. And BOI, did I feel broken. 

And a month or so earlier I had gone through a really hard personal anniversary which, for the first time ever, was not gotten through with my faith. I had to get through it alone. And gosh, that hurt. That STUNG. And the damage to my faith only got more severe.

But you see, (haha, You, clever one there) a few weeks later, in the midst of a really bad place, I wrote that blog post. I didn't even remember until well into the day after. But it was everything I had needed. 

And so I figured, hey, maybe it isn't the endZ of my little slice in the blogging world just yet. 

In fact, maybe it's just the start.

So, that leads us to now.

I'm not too sure what's going to happen. Whether I'm going to advertise this to my friends, or not. Whether I'm going to try and promo it and get it found by more people, or leave it. Whether I might even just make it private, and for me. 

I don't know.

But what I do know is that, back then, there was something INCREDIBLY cathartic about sitting and down and writing. About these irrelevant moments. About really relevant moments. About irrelevant moments turned relevant. It was cathartic. It was an escape. It was processing. It was needed.

And so, I guess, I still want that now.

I want somewhere to write about what is troubling me. I want somewhere to write for distraction. I want somewhere to look back on my progress. I want somewhere to be a more formal account of my experience with this welllll hard thing that we call 'life'.

I guess what I love so much about this, is that no one really reads it, but there's always the chance that they could. I think that's what appeals to me so much, over my diary/ phone notes/ prayer/ instagram/ private insta.

So we'll see where this leads us.

But hypothetical, unreal, imaginary 'reader', 'friend', 'pal', 'companion', uncapitalised (and I guess also capitalised!) 'you', I hope you'll join me for this.

This has been the endZ,

or maybe really just the start.

-analphabetofthoughts