Y - You

Y - You

This one is about You. He. Him. The One. The Way the Truth the Light. The Beginning and the End. The Saviour. 

This one, this one is for you Jesus.

You see, I struggle with you. And as a Christian, that's not really something it's very socially acceptable for me to promote. But it's true. I do.

You see, I have a lot of questions.
Why am I this way? Is this how you want me to be? Is this how I will be forever? Do you actually love me? Am I ACTUALLY fearfully and wonderfully made? Did you ACTUALLY knit me together in my mother's womb? Do you ACTUALLY love me? Is your grace ACTUALLY a free gift? Am I ACTUALLY redeemed from all my sin? Am I actually a sinner? Do you love me, unfailingly? Do you love me, despite it all? 

And I guess,

Are You actually there?

You see, faith is great. Na, faith is AMAZING.

I mean, how AWESOME is it to believe that you are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY created? That you are designed! That you have a purpose! That you are LOVED more than you could ever know! That ALL of your failures are FORGIVEN! How awesome is it to think that a man, born in a stable, was fully human and fully God and VOLUNTARILY SAVED us! How AWESOME is it to think that there is more to life! That there is a reason! A purpose! A hope! A promise.

How awesome is it to think that redemption is a free gift! 'I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You gave yourself away'. My God, You are mighty to save! You have freed us! There is a purpose in this pain. There is a peace in my past. There is a hope in my future! There is a future! With you! Where EVERY tear is wiped away! Where there is no more pain or mourning! There is a future, and it's with you! And it's everything we've ever dreamed of and more. And there's space for me! And you! And all of us!

I think faith is awesome. I'm very familiar with the Christian faith. I guess until recently, I definitely would have called myself a Christian. I guess maybe I still do. 

I don't know.

Because you see, it's You I struggle with God. 

It's YOU. 

It's not Your promises, it's YOU.

Because, if there is a You, and if You are everything I've been told, then sure, it's definitely all true. I'm loved and redeemed and You paid the ultimate price and I am created in Your image. 

But are you there? 

Are You there?

Are. You. There?

Because I guess my thing is, I want to think You're there, and You're all these things. I do. I didn't know for a while if I did. But I know now. I know now that I want You to be real and I want all Your promises to be true. 

I want to be able to trust You. 

But You see. I want to trust You. I want to live for You. I want to be made in Your image.

And so, if I want it so badly, then why won't you help me?

After all, everyone says that every time someone gives their life to Christ the angels all party. After all, originally we were created to live alongside You. After all, the Christian mission, the golden goal... it's to be with you. It's for Earth and Heaven to collide. To live in that perfect place again. Every single one of us.

So God, if you want me so badly, and I want you so badly, then... Well, then why isn't it happening?

Why can't I trust it? Why aren't You 'showing yourself to me'? Why isn't this easier? Why can't I believe it? Why can't I feel the way I used to feel?

And you see, then it gets me thinking. Because there are things WAY worse than me, and my not-quite-there-with it faith. There's famine. And poverty. And homelessness. And cancer. And death. And murder. And terrorism. There's empty food banks. There's people that NEED food banks. There's divorce. There's abuse. There is all these terrible things. So really me and my lack of faith is the least of these issues. But also... Well, these issues exist. And they shouldn't really should they. 

None of this should.

I'm not sure what the alternative is. If there isn't a You, then I'm not sure what It is. But I do know, I'm confused. I'm confused. I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel let down. I feel nothing and I feel everything. I feel unworthy. I feel unloved. I feel irrelevant. 

I do know, that life without You doesn't feel all that great. 

'I've tasted of your goodness,

Now nothing else will do,

So come fill us again. Come fill us again. Come fill us again.'

- That is where I'm at right now. That was Y. 

- An Alphabet of Thoughts.