Opportunity for Optimism

Opportunity for Optimism

Today, at a glance, was not a good day.

I woke up, later than I would have liked, to lots of people in my house shouting. Being very offensive, and VERY loud. Due to waking up later, I arrived later than I would have liked at my volunteering placement.

At the bus stop, afterwards, I was chatting to an old lady who informed me a member of the village community had passed away. She then continued to tell me that the woman had lived a lovely long life, but she wouldn't like to live for that long. She doesn't feel that she has enough to live for, and fill all that time. When a member of our church walked past, she joked that the old lady sounded like a melodramatic teacher. But, as the church member walked past, the old lady looked at me with a genuine sadness in her eyes, and said, 'But you do understand what I mean? Don't you?'

Then during a counselling session, I was informed he was going to chat to my school's head of pastoral, and update her on my current state. Of course this is a given of counselling, but it was hard to know that another person would know about the failure that is my daily life.

I went to help a girl with some subject tutoring next, only to find out it was a girl I don't particularly enjoy the company of.

In the afternoon, I heard some teachers mimicking pupils; it makes me wonder if they talk about me like that behind my back too.

In my afternoon lesson I got in an overly stressed state, and my teacher saw me like that; I feel weak, like a mask has been taken off, and she's seen part of the 'true' me.

After school, friend's were telling me the reason I was tired was because I hadn't eaten enough - little did they know the difficult afternoon I'd had, and how difficult it was to eat what I had eaten.

A friend also told me that they wished to call me that evening, and was disappointed when I said I wouldn't have the energy. Again, I felt like a failure.

On my way to the bus stop, I chatted with a girl in my year. As we spoke, she was smoking. It deeply upset me to see her smoking, especially as she said she didn't know why she was doing it, she just does. I half-heartedly joked away with her about it, but it's so deeply uncomfortable that she is shortening her life every day for no needed or known reason.

Then, due to the rain, I slipped over. It was slightly embarrassing, but this was glossed over by the fact that I was SO MUDDY. MY legs, my dress (which, I realised, is actually more of a summer dress), my hair even. (Don't ask, I don't know.)
Today is the first day all week I haven't taken my coat to school, yet it's the one and only day it has rained. And it rained, A LOT. I had to sit on a half an hour bus journey soaking wet, and covered in mud. I quite literally looked like a drowned rat.

I think you get the idea. Not a very good day? Huh? I'd go as far as to say a BAD day? I feel as though that is justified... Read above again if you're not convinced. Or just look at the picture below... This was basically me... In. Public.

(Except way less cute, let's be real.)

However,

Had it not been for the arguments in my house this morning, I wouldn't have had the humorous texting conversation with my dad. He was the stereotypical twitter parent: 'What does IDK mean?' 'I don't know' 'Well, you're the one that said it!' 'DAAAAAAAD, it means 'I don't know!!!!!!!'

I may have been later than I'd have liked to my volunteering placement, but I still went! And the children were super lovely, and VERY funny. They completely misunderstood the maths problem because they were too interested in the practicalities of the hypothetical situation, and whether the outfits would look nice or not.

It was sad to see the old lady in such a redundant state. But now I know to try and make her smile even more next time I see her. And, without encouraging her, I validated her feelings, which I don't think anybody has done in a while.

It's hard to know people will know about my current life struggles; but it's great to know that they will try to support me. And if the head of pastoral has already been told, it avoids me having to have that awkward conversation.

Perhaps the girl I will be tutoring isn't my favourite - but she certainly isn't the worst. She seems really eager to learn, and I really think I can help her. Besides, if nothing else, it will teach me to be resilient and tolerant- valuable life lessons!

Perhaps the teachers do talk about me like that behind my back - but do I really care about the opinions of people that scarcely know me?

 It is sad that my teacher had to see me in that state, but you can't always have a mask on. Negative emotions are as much a part of you as positive emotions are.

My friends didn't understand the true reason of my fatigue, and the struggle I had been through. But that's ok, because I know, and I am who should be most important in my own life, and I am who's opinion I should validate the most.

And again, yes it was disappointing, and I felt like a failure for not being able to call my friend, but I should look after myself. We've called plenty of times before, and I'm sure we can call plenty of times again.

Smoking is a terrible thing; it can and will kill. But, it is out of my control. I can continue to encourage her not to smoke, and I can pray she will see reason, but it is not my fault she smokes, and it is not something I am expected to change.

It felt horrible to fall over, and to get wet from not having my coat. But, I'll be sure to take my coat every day for the rest of winter! I made my friend, and brother, giggle when they thought of me falling over. I wasn't hurt, when I easily could have been. And I had a lovely warm shower (I'd push to say the nicest, warmest shower I've ever had) when I got back, and spent the rest of the evening snuggled up in my PJs.

And when my friend came over this evening, and we listened to music and laughed together, I appreciated it WAY more than I usually would have.


I guess what I'm saying is, there is always an opportunity for optimism. I understand nothing seriously bad happened today, but the little bad things certainly add up.
I very easily could have been overwhelmed with the bad things, and let it get to me. I could be sitting here now with a rain cloud above my head (like earlier... haha, got to laugh about these things).
You see I could be feeling pretty bad right now. And to be honest, it's easier to. The bad things are so glaringly, painfully obvious.

But I've learnt many lessons today, and had many a laughs. And I'm still here.

Every bad moment, is an opportunity for optimism.

And, I agree, the good thing might not outweigh the bad thing. For sure. But, it doesn't have to, does it? Because, the bad thing will still exist, whatever happens - so any positivity is an added bonus.

Just a little something to consider, for this time; there's always an opportunity for optimism.

That, rather lengthy, personal post, was O,
- An Alphabet of Thoughts