Some Truths

HERE ARE SOME TRUTHS

And they might be hard to accept. They might sound empty. You might hear them all the time.
But PLEASE, sit and reflect on each and everyone. Because they are all true, and true for YOU. True to us all. True to ME even.
Sit and reflect, accept the goodness, accept His Goodness, accept YOUR goodness!!!

- you are LOVED

- you should love yourself

- you are worthy of love

- you are worthy

- things will get better

- things have gotten better

- things haven't always been this bad, and they won't always be bad

- you haven't experienced all there is to experience yet

- you have a reason to be here

- you are needed

- you have a purpose

- you are better than you realise

- you are strong

- you are trying

- all anyone can ask is that you try

- you should trust yourself

- you can trust others

- you should trust the Creator

- He has a plan for you that is INFINITELY better than you could ever imagine

- He has a plan for EVERYTHING that you will encounter

- you cannot earn His love AND you DON'T NEED TO

- He looks at you and is proud, despite it all

- He forgives EVERY single thing
hear that???? Every. Single. Thing.

- there.is.more.

Z - endZ

Z - endZ

Hello,

First off, that is such a cop-out, and I am so sorry. 

But, like, the only thing I could think of starting with Z, other than Zebra, was Zzzzz. As in sleeping. 

And if you know anything about me, you'll know that sleep is not my forte.

So, I'll end this little series at the endZ. As a cop-out, as a LOL, and as a step forwards.

You see, I started this little blog YEARS ago. It was a project, to myself. From a councillor. Or perhaps from myself. I can't even remember at this stage. I remember having a discussion with K, about writing being helpful. I guess I didn't really realise the truth of this statement until the last year. Anyway, I said I didn't want to write about my feelings because it was self indulgent and depressing and scary. So he/I suggested I just wrote about anything instead.

And hence analphabetofthoughts was born. It was an easy way to find a writing prompt (back in the days where I had been so used to writing fiction, and was only just emerging into acceptance of my love for non-fiction/ personal diary-eque. I wouldn't have to struggle to think of a prompt, because I'd just think of something that started with a defined letter. It made life a lot easier for someone like me, who was completely indecisive and stressed at all times.

And I had a lot of thoughts. I mean, I HAVE a lot of thoughts. And so the title felt fitting. Because not only was it going to be in alphabetical order, but it was going to cover a whole broad range, just like the alphabet does.

But it was never really that consistent. 

Sometimes it was superrrr helpful, like my list of happies and self care ideas. That was constructive. I think I needed to read that more than any of your ever will. I needed to process and articulate my likes and dislikes and my support system. 

Sometimes it was super eye opening, like Opportunity for Optimism. I'm not going to lie, that low-key changed my life.

 

And at other times, I didn't really note the significance until later on. Like, R for Right Now. I was chatting with a friend last week and referred to that. After all these months. 

But you see, I was reaching the end. And I'm scared of commitment, and change, and new starts, and so I didn't want to. 

And so I didn't.

I abandoned this little ol' slice of the internet (totally stole Louise Pentland's imagery there) and settled for other means of self support. Because I didn't want to read the end. 

Or the endZ as all the cool kidz would say, adding a Z to the end of everything. 

(Why was that a thing?! And why do we all just accept stuff, and not challenge it? Why do we all follow the crowd?).

Anyway, so I thought it was over, and this chapter was done. 

Except, it wasn't, because then another little slice was made, the post for Y - You. About my faith. 

I was in an exceptionally bad headspace that evening, and wrote it too late to be considered night, but too early to be considered morning (I'm talking somewhere between 03:30 and 6:00). 

And that was the thing that I didn't know I needed.

All those weeks and days and hours of questioning my faith, of being unable to explain it, of not WANTING to explain it, of not wanting to COMMIT to how I was feeling (because ohmydays then it was real and no no NO THANK YOU I was not losing my faith), it all just came pouring out. And, in a rather eloquent way if I do say so myself!

You see, I lost my faith for a while. My religion. My love and trust in Jesus. The thing that had defined me most was gone. And BOI, did I feel broken. 

And a month or so earlier I had gone through a really hard personal anniversary which, for the first time ever, was not gotten through with my faith. I had to get through it alone. And gosh, that hurt. That STUNG. And the damage to my faith only got more severe.

But you see, (haha, You, clever one there) a few weeks later, in the midst of a really bad place, I wrote that blog post. I didn't even remember until well into the day after. But it was everything I had needed. 

And so I figured, hey, maybe it isn't the endZ of my little slice in the blogging world just yet. 

In fact, maybe it's just the start.

So, that leads us to now.

I'm not too sure what's going to happen. Whether I'm going to advertise this to my friends, or not. Whether I'm going to try and promo it and get it found by more people, or leave it. Whether I might even just make it private, and for me. 

I don't know.

But what I do know is that, back then, there was something INCREDIBLY cathartic about sitting and down and writing. About these irrelevant moments. About really relevant moments. About irrelevant moments turned relevant. It was cathartic. It was an escape. It was processing. It was needed.

And so, I guess, I still want that now.

I want somewhere to write about what is troubling me. I want somewhere to write for distraction. I want somewhere to look back on my progress. I want somewhere to be a more formal account of my experience with this welllll hard thing that we call 'life'.

I guess what I love so much about this, is that no one really reads it, but there's always the chance that they could. I think that's what appeals to me so much, over my diary/ phone notes/ prayer/ instagram/ private insta.

So we'll see where this leads us.

But hypothetical, unreal, imaginary 'reader', 'friend', 'pal', 'companion', uncapitalised (and I guess also capitalised!) 'you', I hope you'll join me for this.

This has been the endZ,

or maybe really just the start.

-analphabetofthoughts

Y - You

Y - You

This one is about You. He. Him. The One. The Way the Truth the Light. The Beginning and the End. The Saviour. 

This one, this one is for you Jesus.

You see, I struggle with you. And as a Christian, that's not really something it's very socially acceptable for me to promote. But it's true. I do.

You see, I have a lot of questions.
Why am I this way? Is this how you want me to be? Is this how I will be forever? Do you actually love me? Am I ACTUALLY fearfully and wonderfully made? Did you ACTUALLY knit me together in my mother's womb? Do you ACTUALLY love me? Is your grace ACTUALLY a free gift? Am I ACTUALLY redeemed from all my sin? Am I actually a sinner? Do you love me, unfailingly? Do you love me, despite it all? 

And I guess,

Are You actually there?

You see, faith is great. Na, faith is AMAZING.

I mean, how AWESOME is it to believe that you are FEARFULLY and WONDERFULLY created? That you are designed! That you have a purpose! That you are LOVED more than you could ever know! That ALL of your failures are FORGIVEN! How awesome is it to think that a man, born in a stable, was fully human and fully God and VOLUNTARILY SAVED us! How AWESOME is it to think that there is more to life! That there is a reason! A purpose! A hope! A promise.

How awesome is it to think that redemption is a free gift! 'I couldn't earn it, I don't deserve it, still You gave yourself away'. My God, You are mighty to save! You have freed us! There is a purpose in this pain. There is a peace in my past. There is a hope in my future! There is a future! With you! Where EVERY tear is wiped away! Where there is no more pain or mourning! There is a future, and it's with you! And it's everything we've ever dreamed of and more. And there's space for me! And you! And all of us!

I think faith is awesome. I'm very familiar with the Christian faith. I guess until recently, I definitely would have called myself a Christian. I guess maybe I still do. 

I don't know.

Because you see, it's You I struggle with God. 

It's YOU. 

It's not Your promises, it's YOU.

Because, if there is a You, and if You are everything I've been told, then sure, it's definitely all true. I'm loved and redeemed and You paid the ultimate price and I am created in Your image. 

But are you there? 

Are You there?

Are. You. There?

Because I guess my thing is, I want to think You're there, and You're all these things. I do. I didn't know for a while if I did. But I know now. I know now that I want You to be real and I want all Your promises to be true. 

I want to be able to trust You. 

But You see. I want to trust You. I want to live for You. I want to be made in Your image.

And so, if I want it so badly, then why won't you help me?

After all, everyone says that every time someone gives their life to Christ the angels all party. After all, originally we were created to live alongside You. After all, the Christian mission, the golden goal... it's to be with you. It's for Earth and Heaven to collide. To live in that perfect place again. Every single one of us.

So God, if you want me so badly, and I want you so badly, then... Well, then why isn't it happening?

Why can't I trust it? Why aren't You 'showing yourself to me'? Why isn't this easier? Why can't I believe it? Why can't I feel the way I used to feel?

And you see, then it gets me thinking. Because there are things WAY worse than me, and my not-quite-there-with it faith. There's famine. And poverty. And homelessness. And cancer. And death. And murder. And terrorism. There's empty food banks. There's people that NEED food banks. There's divorce. There's abuse. There is all these terrible things. So really me and my lack of faith is the least of these issues. But also... Well, these issues exist. And they shouldn't really should they. 

None of this should.

I'm not sure what the alternative is. If there isn't a You, then I'm not sure what It is. But I do know, I'm confused. I'm confused. I feel lost. I feel hurt. I feel let down. I feel nothing and I feel everything. I feel unworthy. I feel unloved. I feel irrelevant. 

I do know, that life without You doesn't feel all that great. 

'I've tasted of your goodness,

Now nothing else will do,

So come fill us again. Come fill us again. Come fill us again.'

- That is where I'm at right now. That was Y. 

- An Alphabet of Thoughts.

X - Xray

X- Xray

Ok so let's be honest with ourselves, this is the only word starting with X that I know. Lolz.

So let's talk about looking deeper. Because X rays look inside you don't they. Instead of looking inside you physically, let's think about looking inside you emotionally.

We are so much more than what is at our surface. I am yet to meet a single person who doesn't have more going on in their life than appears at first. Seriously. And yes, a lot of the time we think of this in a bad way - you didn't know somebody didn't live with their parents, or had a mental health problem, or had a bad past.
But actually, something this can be in amazing ways.

You might not know that somebody volunteers, helping their local community. Or they make time to chat to the old people on the bus. Or they frequently give food to homeless people. Or they can play an instrument. Or sing. Or teach dance. Or are a carer. Or are part of an online community. Or how hard they try to keep themselves afloat.

So really, get to know people, for their secret good as well as their secret problems.

Take an x ray, and see inside.

-An alphabetofthoughts x

W - Weather

W- Weather

It's crazy how much the weather can affect us!

When it is sunny, we are on top of the world. Nothing is, ever has, or every will, defeat us! We are not fazed. We are full of hope and laughter.

But then in the gloomy light and rain we are under then earth, full of regret and despair; hope and smiles have left us.

Ok, maybe it isn't always this extreme, but it sure can feel like it.

If, like me, you find the winter months and their lack of light, and just general 'bleugh' tone difficult to deal with then this post is gonna be full of itty bitty self care tips you can use. To lift your mood, or to just be.

Let's go.

• 
  
• Colouring. I am the BIGGEST advocate of colouring. There's something so therapeutic about creating something so artistic, but with such little effort. You need to concentrate, but not so much that it's a chore. It is also really good at keeping your hands busy if this is something you struggle with. Also, when the sky is so gloomy and the world is so dark, it feels amazing to be adding colour to it, and to focus on something so bright. There are heapppppps of adult colouring books you can buy, but if you haven't got one, dig out one of your old childhood ones, or even just scribble on paper! 
• Headspace. I am the BIGGEST advocate for the app headspace. The first 10 sessions are free, and you can repeatedly use them, but the thing I am MOST keen on is the 'SOS' function - constantly saving me from myself. You will need to pay for this, but in my opinion it is well worth the money. Also, if you're a student (you can get a UniDays account for free to prove this) it comes FREE with spotify premium, which, at a student rate, is only £4.99 a month! Win win tbh. It is a form of mindfullness that you don't need to be a professional to hack and it is so calming.
• General mindfulness. If you don't wanna give headspace a try (although you definitely should) then practise being present in the moment. Do a body scan (I can do a separate post on this if it would help people - just give me a shout), focus on your breathing, focus on the colours and textures and spaces around you. Again, it is grounding, brings you to the moment and keeps you calm.
• Netflix and chill... Literal chill. Bonus points if you have a snuggly blanket and a cup of tea. Put your phone and work to a side, and just enjoy this cosy little cocoon. Some of my favourite series are Jane the Virgin, Grace and Frankie, Outnumbered, Gavin and Stacey. A lot of laughs and realistic happiness - yes, PLEASE. Have you got any netflix reccomendations?
• I've recently started loving cross stitching - again, it keeps your hands busy and is good to focus on but isn't academic (any other a level students out there, do you get me? It feels great to be focusing but not on a levels).
• Put on some old music and have a mini dance party for one. Whether it's for one song, or a whole playlist, it gets your adrenaline going and in turn provides you with energy. Also, is there any better joy than knowing ALL the lyrics and your (fake) crowd applauding you? I think not
• Baking. You get to combine lots of random ingredients to make something beautiful, that tastes even better. Win win
• Go on a walk in nature. I have a field near me with a public footpath through that I love to walk through. It's so good to be surrounded by God's wonderful nature. Also, fresh air does wonders. 
• SNACKS. If you don't have the energy to bake, there's nothing wrong with a cheeky trip to Asda to stock up on junk food. We've got to enjoy it whilst we're young, haven't we?
• Pamper time. Yes, I'm a basic white girl. Yes, I feel like a new woman when I give myself a face mask whilst painting my nails. Add a few candles and you're basically on tumblr.

But also, combine these! My ULTIMATE self care action is being in my PJs, painting my nails, with a face mask on whilst watching netflix with my cosy blanket, tea and snacks. It sounds a lot, but gallllll you gotta love yourself.

--

Ok, so they were the cute cheerful things to do to lift your mood a lot, but let's talk about more practical things now. Especially, if like me, you feel less like you're having an off-day and more like you're having an off-life.

• Change your clothes. PLEASE. Do not wear the same PJs all day that you also wore last night. By all means, change from last night's PJs into today's PJs (i.e. me every day) but don't keep the same ones on. Anddddd if you brush your hair and teeth whilst you're at it, you'll basically be ready for the day, comfy style
• Have a drink. Water is so important. I like to keep a massive bottle of water in my room so that when I feel really bad, I don't even have to venture downstairs for it. Do whatever it is that gets you drinking. Drink with a straw, have a small glass so you feel accomplished. But every time you catch yourself feeling worse, grab a glass of water, listen to one song, and then see if you feel that same way.
• Have food. Proper food. Even if you can't make a whole meal, just eat a plain bit of bread. But carbs (and protein) are SO important. Sugar is only going to get you so far.
• Tidy your room. Seriously, it's amazing how much it helps. I don't mean clean out your wardrobe, or hoover, or make the floor spotlessly clean. But if you can pop on some music and put a few things away, it will do you the world of good.
• Let someone know you're struggling. Whether you call a friend, send a snapchat or write it in a diary, let someone know. You don't have to go into details, but sometimes just voicing it can be a relief. And then your loved ones know to keep an extra eye on you. (Just be careful about posting stuff onto general social media. I often think of my sad, dreary self as my drunk self. Would sober Lucy want this on my twitter?)

Now finally, this is less of a thing to do, and more of a concept. Have you ever heard of the five-minute rule? The idea is that you do something for five minutes, then reevaluate. For example, when I need to do my homework, but realllllly don't feel like I can. I will do some homework for five minutes, and then reassess. Can I do five minutes more/ carry on? If yes, then yasss, great! You go Glen Coco. If not, then that's fine! You've tried, you know for sure you can't, and, hey, look at that, you just did 5 minutes work! Everybody wins.

Times are tough but you are tougher.

We're gonna make it through this winter, I promise.

Your task this time is to try out one of these things, and let me know how you go. Good or bad, I'd love to hear. Let me know what else helps you when you're feeling under the weather.

-An Alphabet of Thoughts